there were still clouds flinging crumpled drops of rain at the earth (failed blueprints sketched out in molecular structures, flooding an unimportant wastebasket) when virginally pink light began filtering through the trees out the window, coffee for the eyes. the light aged and faded, gathering heat as my bed gathered dust; i had left it unmade so it could pretend i hadn’t left it. sleeping is cheating. the house is heavy and slow like a steamroller, empty like the hollowness between walls. the light gets hotter, and evaporation kicks in like a safeguard. passing time in the hollow places is an art i have perfected; i treat the sequence of my motions as a flower arrangement and i keep my thoughts minimalist. the humidity star(ts up. not such failures, after all. the sun picked them up, smoothed them out, made the necessary changes. presented them to the clouds, who accepted them gratefully and swelled with pride. bound inevitably to
fuck it up again.) a pair of seagulls swam past my window; i don’t know what they were doing so far from the ocean but my eyes are too tired to figure it out.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
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when i first read it, the first couple of lines didn't appeal to me at all, but i understood that they were necessary images. on read number, i liked them a lot more. the general motif of water is something that i really like, and can sort of relate to, as far as favorable images. the images of heat and water, etc, are so well-done, that the parts concerning the house and the hollowness, and essentially the sheer boredom of it all, make an excellent contrast. i felt hot and sort of unclean reading it, in a sort of piteous manner. like im selfish for witnessing this and not doing anything about it. the reference to the steamroller i was less fond of, though i understand its necessity. whereas the majority of the poem is so delicate and careful, and yet restless, the steamroller is huge and obstructive. it feels like it doesnt fit at all. there is only one linebreak. dude, if youre gonna go with linebreaks, go for it. but using just one dont wokr! wtf. also, i dont really like the first parenthese in mid-word. it bothers me. i understand it is there for a reason, though. do explain, plox. the two times you made reference to eyes, mine felt so dry and tired.
overall, this one took me a handfull of reads to get used to, but in the end, i really loved it.
what if i sent some of yours to tavi?
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