Wednesday, December 19, 2007
no linebreaks; i'm so bored
the fog descends like shooting stars to isolate me from the end of the world. i tore out my eyes and tossed them as far as i could through the mist but the only thing i could see was dirt. water molecules were clinging to the air and i wished i could be that important to someone. the distant sun cast rainbows through the air; i couldn't catch sight of them as my eyes were focused on the earth. it kept spinning and i got dizzy. the air is too afraid of commitment so when the fog cleared it was because all the water had fallen to the ground. at first the earth offers stability but then it sucks you up. all the water droplets figured that out pretty soon. the air was clear but i didn't know where i'd put my eyes so i gave up, which i should have done in the first place but it took some isolation for me to develop that sort of wisdom.
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this new thing, i liked it a lot.
also, that poem you posted on mine.
that's the one i got published. i still don't know if i won the contest, though; i won't for a while.
new poem. kinda short. not that good. go read.
lol me, too. i felt like roanoke and atlantis were perfect metaphors for the occasion. ever since my most recent "fuck up," my mom has been hellbent on making sure i have something to focus on and stop wasting my energy on frivalities. roanoke and atlantis=a lifelong search and eminent failure=my mindset=my life. i don't really like this one, though. the imagery is lame, and the narration doesn't set the mood quite right.
also, i got your letter, today. i haven't read it yet, though. i'll right back once i do.
oh. also, i got results back from that contest. i didn't place. i am published, though, with honorable mention.
also also, i misspelled frivolities in the previous comment. please disregard that.
is it the first letter you've gotten? with lots of stickers on the left? that one is from the day when mr thompson took your phone
i wrote and mailed a second letter on wednesday like i said i would
also, honorable mention is good if no t great
also, i'm sorry your break is bad
FURTHERMORE YOUR ONLY OPTION IS NOT FAILURE
thinking like that isnt going to help you or make it better or easier
all it can ever ever possibly do is set you up for actual failure. when we were planning shit all the time, like tattoos and operation mindfuck and being evil, we had goals and as unlikely as most of them were, as FAIL-PRONE as most of them were, we were so much happier than we are now. and stop puttin such a negative connotation on failure. like, think about thomas edison and how many times he failed at lightbulbs, for a cliche example.
tl;dr don't give up on yourself please...
oh man last night i had a dream that you were in, there was this spring fling type thing, you know with those moon bounce type things and carnival rides and such, at our school except it wasnt our school, it was this big field fringed by trees that was between my old house and my old elementary school, and i went there with my family, and you had to buy tickets and they were ten dollars so my mom gave me a twenty, so that i could get apples too because the apples there were expensive, probably about 4 dollars, but i didnt really want apples i just wanted the money. but then this lady that was taking tickets that was friends with my mom (although irl i have never seen her) told me to just come through her line and she would let me through for free, so i did, and she said she would give me a ride home when we were done so i was like, alright cool!
and then i saw that you were also gettin tickets, so i stepped over and was all, WHATS UP and you asked my opinion on whether you should smoke up before you got into the fair or should you do it at the fair, and i think i told you to go ahead and do it before. and then these two guys that were hangin out with you that had weed began talkin to me and askin if i wanted to smoke, and i wanted to but i couldnt get away with it so i declined. and then we went into the fairgrounds and suddenly you were gone, and i didnt notice for a while, and then the two dudes invited me to leave with them and go smoke and i didnt know where you were, so i was all, no i gotta find alex where did alex go, and they said they didnt know and pretty much they didnt care, and i was all, well i gotta find alex, so i tried to look for you, and you were laying down in the middle of the grass. and you were incredibly lethargic and unresponsive and i tried to get you to get up and go keep your friends from ditching you but you would barely move. and i was herding you in their direction but i got distracted and you went missing again, and i was all, what the hell! and i found you again but you kept on flickering between yourself and my dog taffy, and i was getting really confused, and you still wouldnt do anything. so i dragged you around and then the fair was closing and my mom's friend was all, ok i can take you home now and i told her, oh sorry im gonna walk home with my friend and she was all WHATEVER and then i lost you again and found you in a ditch and was able to get you to walk but you kept trying to lay down and go to sleep and you wouldnt talk or make any gesture that suggested to me that you were aware of your surroundings. i was sad because i didnt get to smoke and i sort of planned on it even though it would have been risky. also i never figured out why you were so lethargic; i am pretty sure you ended up not taking any drugs at all.
OH MAN i also had a dream tuesday night, when i was really worried because i didnt know what exactly happened to you, and it was in the hallway at school and you were chitchatting with eddie and mikaela and devon, and so i just hung around until they left and then i asked you questions about what happened, and you explained that you were grounded and your phone was gone and basically everything the way it was actually, but you didnt seem very upset, just sort of okay with it all, and when i woke up i wasnt freakin out about it anymore. its like one of those dreams about dead people when you get to talk to them one last time and theyre all like, 'yeah, everythings fine up here, no worries, good luck' that help the people that dream those dreams quit grieving.
also i had another dream last night, about man-eating tigers that simultaneously liked me and hated me, but i completely lost it. all i remember of it is that summary, because when i wake up from dreams i try to construct summaries of them so i dont forget. but i forgot...
also, i'm in a much better mood than i was yesterday, which i attribute to the unexpected contact from you yesterday and the texts from chelsea this morning.
how are you holdin up?
all is well, for me. i don't have a phone, but i haven't been all that grounded, like i thought i would be. my mom isn't really so mad at me, anymore. she's just all paranoid about christmas growing ever closer. i been hangin out with my cousin and kumpee.
also, the clash. agh! i love them so! i forget this from time to time.
i feel fine, for the most part. there's always room for improvement, i mean. but it's not all that bad.
also also, on the dream comment, tl;dr.
it wasnt that long of a dream just lots of details
tl;dr- there was a fair and i ended up finding you and a couple of your friends there except you were nearly comatose in your lethargy and i was like, oh god whats going on
oh dude that is a lot of good for me to hear, i have been worried about your state of things
chelsea's cat had to be put down
but she got her phone back, and we hung out
but blessing's siblings beat me up
like really badly beat me up it was awful
but i got 40 dollars from my dad
and a guy paid for our dinners at el poblano
so i guess its alright
oh and some lady from teenink contacted me about linebreaks in one of my poems cause they are thinking about publishing it
i have mixed feelings about being published in teenink because it is like, wow everybody in here is really awful but also its like, beggars cant be choosers, and published is published
unless its poetry.com oh no
pic related
http://i13.tinypic.com/6q2l153.png
i researched eugene lang.
i want to go to eugene lang.
then we'll apply to eugene lang! the college book that i found it in says this:
Why It's Cool
Eugene Lang loves New York. The so-called Capital of the World has everything you could ever dream of, and as a Lang student, you'll have access to it all: internships at the Daily Show, Teen Vogue, Capitol Records, and Miramax, as well as free or cheap admission to the Museum of Modern Art and Broadway shows. But you'll also get checkout privileges at Cooper Union, New York University, and the Humanities and Social Sciences Library (whose collection includes the first published edition of Shakespeare), plus classes like Evil in the Twentieth Century and Global Hip-Hop. There's a lot to love about this city--and this school.
Where It's At
Lang's campus consists of a group of buildings and brownstones in New York City's Greenwich Village. Nearby Washington Square and Union Square Parks are popular spots in which to hang out, as are French Roast (open all day and all night) , Caffe Reggio, and other neighborhood coffeehouses. This city of 8 million people has top-notch museums (the Metropolitan Museum of Art, the Museum of Modern Art), terrific sports teams (the Yankees, the Knicks), magnificent shopping (Bloomingdale's, Bergdorf Goodman), and restaurants to suit every budget and taste ($2 falafel, $500 sushi). Central Park is an 843-acre urban oasis right in the center of the city.
What It's Like
The diverse, liberal, eccentric souls who make up Lang share one characteristic: a great love for New York City. Lang students would rather go out and find their own entertainment than participate in organized institutional activities. If you're not into the big city, Lang's probably not the school for you. But don't worry about finding a place to live: There are six residence halls available.
Lang in the City lets students attend Broadway shows, the Metropolitan Opera, and other events for only five dollars, and they always get in free to the Museum of Modern Art. There are no sports teams, no fraternities, no sororities. Instead, students come together through such groups as Shades of Urban Life and the Theater Collective.
Rather than traditional majors, Lang offers concentrations in several interdisciplinary areas, including urban studies and writing. Juniors and seniors frequently take graduate-level courses through Milano: The New School for Management and Urban Policy, and anyone can apply to take courses at the New School for Drama (which houses the famous Actors Studio) or the other colleges that make up the New School University. An agreement with Cooper Union lets Lang students take science classes there.
First-years take two writing courses organized around such topics as The Beat of the Fifties and Love in the Western World. A First-Year Workshop helps students adjust to the pressures and responsibilities of college life in the city. Seniors must complete the Senior Experience Project, ranging from a thesis to a museum installation to a video.
More than a third of students do at least one internship, for which they earn academic credit, and many do two or more. Students have interned for magazines like Spin and television shows like Saturday Night Live.
average high school gpa is 2.99. average freshman sat verbal/math score is 629/566. average freshman act score is 23. admission fee is 40 dollars, admission requirements are an essay or personal statement, high school transcript, 2 letters of recommendation, and sat or act. student-to-teacher ratio is 12:1. total tuition fee is 25,470. total cost with fees and expenses is 36,280. average financial aid package is 17,793.
other than being a FUCKING AWESOME school by itself, it won't be hard for either of us to get into. the expense might be a problem, plus it's far out of state so there's transportation costs, but there's always scholarships and student loans if necessary.
you should have 0 trouble gettin into eugene lang, dude. WELCOME TO NOT FAILING
also, the list of majors is probably necessary
the arts
cultural studies and media
education studies
literature
philosophy
psychology
religious studies
science, technology, & society/quantitative reason
social and historical inquiry
urban studies
writing
in other words, not a long list but probably covers anything you could want to major in
the book i have has a shitload of good colleges so i'll type up more of them later
right now i gotta take a family photo :(
i don't know if you remember or not, but you had "laika in space" published in an anthology of high school poetry.
also, thanks for the eugene lang info. my mom is beyond excited that ive decided on that school. apparently she's wanted me to go there for a long time.
i do remember! in fact, i got an email from the publishers like 2 days ago, and they sent out the anthologies and i should get them any day now
also, parental support totally nearly guarantees you will go there
fuck tulane! but dont fuck it
apply all over, and then you will be able to take your pick of where you want to go, and what a bright future you suddenly have now
HEY YOU CAN FINALLY GO TO NEW YORK like you were supposed to, before that incident that caused you to not be allowed to go...
Emerson College
Why It's Cool
Worship words? Love language? If you're into talking or writing, then you might be into Emerson. At this school, you've got to take three communication classes in order to graduate. But students here don't just talk--they also paint, write, act, sing, design, make movies, or do something equally creative at either the School of Communication or the School of the Arts. But unlike a lot of artsy colleges, Emerson also gives you great classes in the liberal arts like The Psychology of Personality and Love and Eroticism in Western Culture. You'll develop your imagination AND your IQ. Hey, it worked for Denis Leary, Jay Leno, and Henry "the Fonz" Winkler.
Where It's At
In the heart of Boston, Massachusetts, Emerson's urban campus abuts Boston Common and the Theater District. Several Emerson buildings are located on Boylston Street, known as Boston's "Grand Boulevard"; the street is also home to historic brownstones and hip restaurants. Other attractions include the New England Aquarium, the Museum of Fine Arts, the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum, and the Quincy Market/Faneuil Hall shopping complex. The 2.5-mile Freedom Trail winds around the city, past such historic sites as the location of the Boston Massacre. Sports teams include the Red Sox (MLB), Celtics (NBA), Bruins (NHL), and the New England Patriots (NFL). Plus, Boston is the ultimate college town: one in five people there is a student.
What It's Like
Creative types, nonconformists, unconventional individuals... As far as Emerson's easygoing, nonjudgmental students are concerned, anything goes. Through the ProArts Consortium, Emerson students get access to the classes and resources at the Berklee College of Music, Boston Architectural Center, School of the Museum of Fine Arts, Boston Conservatory, and Massachusetts College of Art.
Emerson has two schools: the School of Communication and the School of the Arts. Majors range from theater design/technology to political communication to the very competitive bachelor of arts in writing, literature, and publishing.
Everybody has to take the general education curriculum, meant to give students different perspectives on the world. For example, History of Jazz and Dress Codes: American Clothes in the Twentieth Century both fulfill the aesthetic perspective, while Caribbean Imagination fulfills the global diversity requirement.
Through the New Pathways Program, first-years can choose to live in one of four learning communities: performing cultures, digital culture, leadership through service, and writers' block. These students take linked gen ed classes, such as Digital Culture and Visual Arts, and participate in informal, social activities, such as editing an anthology of writing.
The four residence halls range from a walk-up brownstone in the Back Bay to the very large Little Building (home to 750 students). An all-new residence hall and performance complex, with a restaurant and eight practice studios, is set to open in 2008.
The External Program takes students to Los Angeles, where they'll choose from more than 800 internships, and to the Netherlands, where they'll live in a twelfth-century castle while taking classes. There's also a four-week program in film offered during the summer in Prague.
As the Lions, students play on 13th Division III athletic teams, including lacrosse. There are three sororities, three fraternities, and one co-ed fraternity. Other activities range from Chocolate Cake City comedy troupe to EC Dance.
problems with this one include a 3.53 average GPA. still worth applying, though. act score is 25, sat is 634/597.
Antioch College
Why It's Cool
You got a problem? Antioch's got a solution. In fact, the Antioch Solution offers students some of the most innovative programs in the country. You'll design your own major, which can range from traditional subjects like economics to interdisciplinary specializations like African American studies. Plus, you'll get narrative feedback from your profs, not letter grades. And the Co-Op Program lets you alternate between on- or off- campus study and work during three or four "cooperative" semesters. Hey, the Antioch Solution worked for these notable alumni: activist Coretta Scott King and scientist Stephen Jay Gould. It can work for you too.
Where It's At
A small but progressive town, Yellow Springs, Ohio, is home to Antioch, as well as a community of independently owned businesses, shops, restaurants, and movie theaters. Twice yearly, the Yellow Springs Street Fair features 160 booths of artists, crafters, entertainers, and food vendors. The town also hosts farmers' markets, book fairs, and concerts. At the Glen Helen Ecology Institute, visitors can roam 1,000 undeveloped acres, all the while looking for raptors and learning about sustainability. Bikers and walkers alike enjoy the 60-mile Little Miami Scenic Trail through southwestern Ohio. Columbus, the state capital, is less than an hour away and features an aquarium, the historic German Village, and the Motorcycle Hall of Fame.
What It's Like
Antioch takes seriously its motto, "Be ashamed to die until you have won some victory for humanity." Students really live this ideal and make a point of rallying behind their political views. As part of the Co-Op Program, students work locally, domestically, or internationally at a wide range of positions in the nonprofit, corporate, educational, or research fields. Planning a major involves combining classroom study with community service and co-op work. Everything at Antioch is geared toward integrating academics with the real world.
Rather than take plain old English or biology, students participate in learning communities. In these themed interdisciplinary courses, students are team-taught by professors from different departments. For example, professors from the departments of dance, environmental and biological studies, and psychology all teach Embodied Mind/Thinking Body. The Core Program Learning Community requires first-years to take a foreign language and seniors to participate in a specialized seminar in the humanities, natural sciences, or the social sciences. Sophomores and juniors join learning communities that relate to their majors. Antioch calls this educational model the "Connected Curriculum."
Students may also study abroad as part of the Co-Op Program, and everybody is encouraged to spend at least one summer abroad learning a new language. Other Antioch programs include Buddhist Studies in Japan or India and African Art and Culture in Mali. Close to 80 percent of students take advantage of these opportunities.
On campus, students choose from an array of activities, from organizing a debate at the Coretta Scott King Center for Cultural and Intellectual Freedom to swimming in the Poole Pool. Students can also be found singing in the annual fall opera and writing for the Antioch Review, one of the oldest literary magazines in the United States. Antioch awards financial aid to approximately 90 percent of students, so the Antioch Solution is affordable for everybody.
average gpa is a feasibly 3.1. sat is 620/569, and act is 23. total cost with fees and expenses is 33k, but average financial aid package is 27k.
this one is in my top five, definitely...
emerson sounds fairly interesting, too. i still like eugene lang a lot. ive always wanted to go to the new york public library.
i got my anthology already. my cousin was reading the mini-biographies in the back. he read mine and laughed his ass off. read it. lulzzzzz
dude, christmas break is shaping up to be quite good. i'm scared. i just know something bad is going to happen...
emerson sounds, basically, like eugene lang with higher standards and a less attractive setting
but nevertheless, worth looking into
haha BRING IT ON THE 3RD
oh god i can't wait for the 3rd
dont worry about any bad things occurring to ruin your christmas break
THEY ARE ALL TOO BUSY HAPPENING TO ME
although, i am ultra glad your break is going well
i was worried about its quality
when you had your phone i was engaged in constant conversation and therefore i was nearly constantly engaged in conscious thought
but now i am almost COMPLETELY MINDLESS oh dude, i never thanked you enough
i watched vh1 today... that's how mindless i'm getting
hahahahaha fuck yes!! isn't being totally mindless the best? i miss it, man.
hey, merry christmas, ein. i hope you have a fairly bearable one, if not actually good.
my mindlessness isnt pleasant
its like ive gone through a complete de-evolution to exactly who i was prior to making any friends
and i keep trying to assess the exact degree of damage, and in doing so i suddenly remember a person or thing that i used to think about often, and then i realize that i have forgotten nearly everything
i hope this is not the same kind of mindlessness you enjoy because it is AWFUL
but im functional so its nothing to worry about, only something to complain about
merry christmas to you, too. may this one be better than the last one.
-a stuffed collie
-modest mouse hoodie
-two boxes of chocolate
-three books of bukowski poems
-326 dollars
-art from the naked art gallery
-2 seasons of south park (probably gonna return these for 40 bucks)
-strawberry lotion
all in all, a pretty good run. i now have about 480 dollars, so your ipod is covered. i was afraid i wasnt getting any cash, which would have set that plan back by about two or three months of theft and begging but now i can get your ipod and an ipod case so you dont break it the first time you drop it.
also, of the following three, choose two: love is a dog from hell, you get so alone sometimes that it just makes sense, and sifting through the madness for the word, the line, the way.
also, with the way everything turned out, i should be able to get presents for everybody else, too.
MERRY CHRISTMAS
MERRY CHRISTMAS EIN WOO!!
i got:
- t-shirts [the joker, one with the faces of several superheroes, some cool gray trippy picture, etc.]
- cash
- rob zombie's halloween
- new headphones
- $50 barnes&noble gift card
- a gigantic box fort [which i built]
- etc.
it was a great christmas. everybody is fairly happy. all is well. i feel good.
that is TOTALLY the mindlessness i was taklin about. you forget everything that matters. eventually you stop caring about everything. there's nothing left in your head for people to hurt. it's so nice to be invulnerable.
I CANT WAIT FOR MY NEW IPOD WOOOOO!!
okay, so i know you said ipod touch, right. but fuck that! it's soo small. 16G isn't enough. i'd prefer the ipod classic. if you order them off bestbuy.com asap they're on sale. the original price for an 80G is $250. i don't know how much the sale is for, though. GO GO GO!!
also, thanks ein. you're are the balls. i can't think of any other person codependent on me enough to buy me an ipod.
i dont wanna stop caring about everything! this mindlessness is painful. it has ruined all the progress i have made. and the days pass so slow and its all an excruciating wait for the next thing thats good. christmas is over! so now i have so many days to wait before school starts again. INVULNERABILITY IS NOT WORTH THIS
agh they are makin you go out yourself and buy that comic book
what jerks
HEY DUDE IM NOT GONNA ORDER IT OFF THE INTERNET even though i would save like 13 bucks, i cannot cannot CANNOT let my family know i am buying you an ipod. they flipped when i gave katelyn 20 dollars for her birthday. im just gonna go to the store and get it, which means i dont get to save 13 bucks from the holiday sale, but the great thing is that i did not realize that 80gbs were 250 dollars now, i had thought that 30 gigs was still 290, but they must have lowered the prices significantly since last christmas, so therefore i have an extra 40 bucks that i had not accounted for, which means that in addition to your ipod case and ipod i will get you a nice quality pair of headphones
nice quality!
HEY MAN ITS NOT JUST THE CODEPENDENCE and actually i have gotten to thinking that i am not, in fact, all that codependent, because codependence would require that i cannot accept gifts or favors when in fact they are very pleasing to me and i am always very grateful for even small favors, not rejecting of them at all
IN TRUTH I AM JUST AN UNFORTUNATE COMBINATION OF NEEDY AND EMPATHETIC
hey actually thats not so unfortunate, as long as you can tolerate the neediness
so anyways i am getting you the ipod not because i am codependent but because you deserve an ipod, because i got SUPER IRRITATED whenever you talked about not having the right cd to listen to in math and subsequently failing your test or whenever you would say NO I CANT LISTEN TO THAT I DONT HAVE THAT CD WITH ME or anything that has to do with not having every bit of music you own at your fingertips, that was SUPREMELY IRRITATING and my thought was all, i gotta buy this dude an ipod, holy shit, SO NOW IM DOING IT
and also because of all gifts i could get you, it is the easiest and most obvious choice
PLUS ITS A WAY TO GET RID OF SO MUCH CASH IN ONE FELL SWOOP, I HATE MONEY, WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
you had a good christmas! that is so good! my christmas day was okay. i spent a lot of it listening to music and reading poetry and then i ended up falling asleep. my stocking was full of nonvegan candy. DO YOU WANT A CHARLESTON CHEW, I HAVE ONE
and also several reeses cups, but i think ill give them to stephanie
that bitch loves her some reeses
oh wait god damn it i was so exciting about buying ipod shit that i completely neglected the words "NEW HEADPHONES" on your list
woteva ill get you AN FM TRANSMITTER so you can listen to your ipod INSIDE OF CARS
'i was so exciting' oops lol
"out of the sickroom and into the blazing sun"
hey, you're not dead, you're
doing good, damned good again,
what's this talk about tossing it
in?
what you were doing while you
were feeling sick enough
to die,
what you were really doing was just re-
charging your
batteries.
now let everybody get
out of the way,
you're thundering
down the track again
like a locomotive
hauling 90 thousand
unwritten poems
and they're all
yours
and you're pounding along
the rails
sometimes through dark tunnels
but then roaring out again
into the
light!
who the hell said that
you no longer had it in
you?
it was you who said that.
the engineer
who is now
feeling a fresh surge of
hope and
power
and who is
grinning madly at the
thought of this
wonderful
new
day.
"about competition"
the higher you climb
the greater the pressure.
those who manage to
endure
learn
that the distance
between the
top and the
bottom
is
obscenely
great.
and those who
succeed
know
this secret:
there isn't
one.
"observations on music"
I have sat for thousands of nights
listening to symphony music on the radio;
I doubt that there are many men my age
who have listened to as much classical music
as I have--
even those in the profession.
I am not a musicologist
but
I have some observations:
1) the same 50 or 60 classical compositions
are played over and over
and over again.
2) there has been other great music written that we
ignore at our peril.
3) the second movement of most symphonies is
only kind to insomniacs.
4) chamber music has every right to be energetic
and entertaining.
5) very few composers know how to END their
symphonies
but
most opening movements, like romance, have
early charm.
6) I prefer a conductor who inserts his own
interpretation rather than the purist who blindly follows
the commands of the master.
7) of course, there are always some conductors with so much ego and
"interpretation" that the composer
vanishes.
8) music is much like fucking, but some composers can't
climax and others climax too often, leaving themselves and the listener
jaded and spent.
9) humor is lacking in most so-called greatest musical
compositions.
10) Bach is the hardest to play badly because he
made so few spiritual mistakes.
11) almost all symphonies and operas could be
shorter.
12) too much contemporary music is written from the safe
haven of a university. a composer must still
experience life in its raw form in order to
write well.
13) music is the most passionate of the art forms;
I wish I had been a musician or a composer.
14) very few writers know how to END a
poem like this one
15) but I do.
"unblinking grief"
the last cigarettes are smoked, the loaves are sliced,
and lest this be taken for wry sorrow,
drown the spider in wine.
you are much more than simply dead:
I am a dish for your ashes,
I am a fist for your vanished air.
the most terrible thing about life
is finding it gone.
this is one of my favorites
actually all the past few are some of my favorites
but this one is one of my favorite favorites
"like a polluted river flowing"
the freeways are a psychological
entanglement of
warped souls,
dying flowers in the dying hour
of the dying day.
old cars, young drivers,
new models driven by
aged men, driven by
drivers without licenses, by drunk
drivers, by drugged drivers,
by suicidal drivers, by super-cautious
drivers (the worst).
drivers with minds like camels,
drivers who piss in their seats,
drivers who yearn to kill,
drivers who love to gamble,
drivers who blame everybody else,
drivers who hate everybody,
drivers who carry guns.
drivers who don't know what
rearview
mirrors are for,
what the turn signals are for,
drivers who drive without brakes,
drivers who drive on bald tires.
drivers who drive slowly in the fast lane,
drivers who hate their wives or their husbands,
and want to make you pay for that.
unemployed drivers, pissed.
all these represent
humanity in general, totally enraged, demented,
vengeful, spiteful, cheap denizens of our culture, vultures,
jackals, sharks, suckerfish, stingrays, lice...
all on the freeway along with you
tailgating,
cutting in and out,
cheating themselves,
leering,
their radios blaring the worst music ever written,
their gas tanks nearly empty,
engines overheating,
minds over the next hill,
they don't know how to drive
or live,
they know less than a snail crawling home.
they are what you see every day
going from nowhere to nowhere,
they elect presidents, procreate, decorate their
Christmas trees.
what you see on the freeway is just what there is,
a funeral procession of the dead,
the greatest horror of our time in motion.
I'll see you there tomorrow!
"a sickness?"
yes, I'm a Romantic, overly sentimental,
something of a hero worshiper,
and I do
not apologize for this.
instead, I revere Hemingway,
at the end of his endurance,
sticking the
barrel of the gun into his trembling
mouth;
and I think
of Van Gogh slicing off part of his ear
for a whore
and then blasting
himself away in the
cornfield;
then there was Chatterton drinking rat
poison (an extremely painful way to die
even if you are a
plagiarist);
and Ezra Pound dragged through
the dusty streets of Italy in a cage
and later confined to a
madhouse;
Celine robbed, hooted at, tormented by
the French;
Fitzgerald who finally quit drinking only to drop dead
soon thereafter;
Mozart in a pauper's grave;
Beethoven deaf;
Bierce vanishing into the wastelands of Mexico;
Hart Crane leaping over the ship's rail and
into the propeller;
Tolstoy accepting Christ and giving all his
possessions to the
poor;
T. Lautrec
with his short, deformed
body
and perfectly developed
spirit,
drawing everything he
saw
and more;
D.H. Lawrence
dying of TB
and preparing his own Ship of Death
while writing his
last
great poems;
Li Po
setting /his/ poems
on fire
and sailing them down the
river;
Sherwood Anderson dying
of peritonitis
after swallowing a
toothpick
(he was at a party
drinking
martinis
when
the olive went in,
toothpick and
all);
Wilfred Owens killed
in the first Great War
while
saving the world for
Democracy;
Socrates drinking
hemlock with a
smile;
Nietzche gone mad;
De Quincey addicted to opium;
Dostoevsky standing blindfolded before a
firing squad;
Hamsun eating his own
flesh;
Harry Crosby committing
suicide hand in hand with his
whore;
Tchaikovsky trying to
evade his homosexuality
by marring a female
opera star;
Henry Miller, in his old
age, obsessed with
young Oriental
girls;
John Dos Passos going
from fervent left-winger
to ultraconservative
Republican;
Aldous Huxley taking
visionary
drugs and
reaping imaginary
riches;
Brahms in his youth,
working on ways
to build a powerful
body
because he felt that
the mind
was not
enough;
Villon barred from Paris,
not for his ideas
but rather because he was a
thief;
Thomas Wolfe who felt he couldn't
go home again
until
he was
famous;
and Faulkner:
when he got his morning mail,
he'd hold the envelope up
to the light
and if he couldn't see
a check in there
he'd throw it
away;
William Burroughs who shot and
killed his
wife
(he missed the apple
perched
on her
head);
Norman Mailer knifing /his/
wife; no apple
involved;
Salinger not believing
the world was worth writing
for;
Jean Julius Christian Sibelius,
a proud and beautiful man
composer of powerful music
who after his 40th year
went into hiding and was seldom
seen
again;
nobody is sure who
Shakespeare
was;
nightlife killed Truman
Capote;
Allen Ginsberg becoming a
college
professor;
William Saroyan marrying the
same woman twice
(but
by then
he wasn't going anywhere
anyhow);
John Fante being sliced away
bit by bit
by the surgeon's knife
before my very
eyes;
Robinson Jeffers
(the proudest poet of them all)
writing
begging letters to those in power.
of course, there's more
to tell
and I could go
on and on
but even I
(the Romantic)
begin to
tire.
still, these men and women
--past and present--
have created and are creating
new worlds for
the rest of us,
despite the fire and despite the ice,
despite the
hostility of governments,
despite the ingrown distrust of the masses,
only to die
singly
and usually
alone.
you've got to admire them all
for the courage,
for the effort,
for their best and at their
worst.
some gang!
they are a source of light!
they are a source of joy!
all of them
heroes you can be
grateful for
and admire from afar
as you wake up
from your ordinary dreams
each morning.
"empties"
we emptied wine bottles as if they were
thimbles
and our 4 a.m. arguments had caused us to be evicted from
apartments all over the city
but our biggest problem was the disposal of all the
empties.
we were afraid the landlord would be tipped off by his
trash cans, that he'd realize there were two serious drunks
among his tenants
so we snuck some of the empties into neighborhood
trash cans
but we still had many leftovers
which we hid in our room
for weeks on end
in cartons and bags until we were overwhelmed by
the accumulation.
finally
upon a given night
after drinking for a few hours
we'd sneak the bags and boxes
down the back stairway and
into our old car
(luckily, a sedan)
and we'd get in
the floor in back
stacked high with
bag and box upon bag and box
and the back seat also jammed with
boxes and sacks of empties
rising up against the windows
so that visibility was almost
impossible
while in front
at our feet sat the last of
the boxes and bags of
empties
where they shifted and slid
getting in the way as I worked the
clutch, the brake, the gearshift
while, of course, between us, we also carefully preserved
a couple of /fulls/
at the ready.
such a clinking and clanking of empties as we drove
in the moonlight!
driving slowly up into the Baldwin
Hills
we were
terrified that the police might stop
us
and insist that we spend
at least a couple of days in
jail;
our journey took us over
unpaved roads
in that old car
we knew might quit at any
moment;
afraid to be noticed
I'd cut the headlights
and drive in the moonlight
the forest of silent oil wells
indifferent to us
and at last
we'd get to where the road was
both rocky /and/ muddy
and I'd say,
"THIS IS IT!"
then
as if the very searchlight of
God was focused on me
I'd leap out and begin throwing
sacks and boxes of empties into the
throbbing dark,
over the nearest cliff
hearing them tumble and crash
along with the sound of breaking glass.
I'd grab faster and faster
sweating, dizzy and sick as
I'd hurl the empties into the empty
night
until the car was
cleaned out.
then
she would look at
me and say,
"Jesus Christ, did we drink all
/that?/"
and I'd smile
get in
start the car
and it felt so good to be rid of
all those empties!
all that baggage!
and I'd disengage the gears
to save on fuel
and we'd glide down out of the
hills
unnoticed by everything and
everyone.
she'd hand me a fresh
hit
and I'd pass it back
and
she'd say,
"geez, don't you feel
better?"
and I'd answer, "yeah, how much
we got left?"
she'd hold up the
bottle. "enough to get us
home."
it was a hollow, temporary victory that
only someone like us could
appreciate.
"we got another bottle at the apartment?" I'd ask.
"maybe 2, maybe 3," she'd
reply,
and we'd head back to our
place
(a place we now hoped would remain ours
for a while).
we'd done what we could to
preserve our status as decent
sober citizens
and although we knew that time was always
running out on us
in every way
we tried our best to preserve that illusion
because we knew no one else would ever
understand the way we really were, nor did we
expect them
to.
"one for old snaggle-tooth"
I know a woman
who keeps buying puzzles
chinese
puzzles
blocks
wires
pieces that finally fit
into some order.
she works it out
mathematically
she solves all her
puzzles
lives down by the sea
puts sugar out for the ants
and believes
ultimately
in a better world.
her hair is white
she seldom combs it
her teeth are snaggled
and she wears loose shapeless
coveralls over a body most
women would wish they had.
for many years she irritated me
with what I considered her
eccentricities--
like soaking eggshells in water
(to feed the plants so that
they'd get calcium).
but finally when I think of her
life
and compare it to other lives
more dazzling, original
and beautiful
I realize that she has hurt fewer
people than anybody I know
(and by hurt I simply mean hurt).
she has had some terrible times,
times when maybe I should have
helped her more
for she is the mother of my only
child
and we were once great lovers,
but she has come through
like I said
she has hurt fewer people than
anybody I know,
and if you look at it like that,
well,
she has created a better world.
she has won.
Frances, this poem is for
you.
"alone with everybody"
the flesh covers the bone
and they put a mind
in there and
sometimes a soul,
and the women break
vases against the walls
and the men drink too
much
and nobody finds the
one
but they keep
looking
crawling in and out
of beds.
flesh covers
the bone and the
flesh searches
for more than
flesh.
there's no chance
at all:
we are all trapped
by a singular
fate.
nobody ever finds
the one.
the city dumps fill
the junkyards fill
the madhouses fill
the hospitals fill
the graveyards fill
nothing else
fills.
i have found spiders and radios in both "love is a dog from hell" and "sifting through the madness for the word, the line, the way"
so those are the ones you're gonna get
i'm such a fucking retard oh my god
fuck
okay so like
i sort of suck because i did not get you an fm transmitter
or even an ipod case
or even an 80gb ipod
because they were sold out of those
and like, my options were
an ipod touch, nano video 8gb, or like any one of a ton of other mp3 players
or else a 160gb ipod video
and i was like, well hell
either i spend a hundred dollars more or go the cheap route
so obviously i spent a hundred dollars more
actually i ended up a dollar short but the lady at the register was really nice so she let me slide
i mean, i had enough money
but taxes are a bitch once you hit the higher prices
so like....30 dollars in taxes, what the hell you know
anyways
once i cash my check i'll get you an ipod case i hope
cause im out of cash right now
but that fm transmitter... probably not gonna happen
theyre like 100 dollars... and ive got 150 left
and cases run at about 30 bucks usually
for the good kinds
and i wanna get gifts for other people, too...
so i sort of failed somewhat but now you have a 40,000 song capacity
which means you can get so much video on your ipod
and so many songs too
like, there will be no limit to the shit that youll be able to fill your new ipod with
and the wait on the case shouldnt matter because i should probably have it before school starts
and thats when i would have to give it to you anyways, of course
im really tired i probably sound like it
i just got drunk driven home by chelsea and michael
up that crazy ass windy road i live on
that wasnt very fun but im home, probably going to bed now
merry christmas
wait...so you got me a 160G ipod...?
yes
they didnt have any 80gb
but the 160 is black like you said
im going to nashville today
so i am leaving right now
talk to you in like 3 weeks
later
ps i finished you get so alone at times that it just makes sense so you can have all 3
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